26.10.11

Confessions of a Grown-Up

I've totally lost inspiration.
There, I said it.
Somewhere, along the line these past few weeks, I've totally lost my drive, and my spark. I've stopped living, and am just existing. As a strong advocate of the John Keating theory that 'poetry is what we are alive for', the fact that I've lost my creativity upsets me. Is it laziness, is it apathy? It can't be lack of inspiration - I've got a great, full and wonderful life that I've worked hard for and am beginning to reap the benefits of.
But it's not enough. Classic Little Mermaid Syndrome. What's over the next hill? Do I want it? Do I have what I want, and how do I get it?
The last time I felt like this, I upped and left my home and came to London. I'm not sure where I can go this time, and I'm not sure if running away is the answer. But a dramatic change needs to happen to drag me out of the apathy. I was tempted to dye my hair black last night, a small rebellion and a little shake-up. Thankfully, I got warned off it but I'm still toying with the idea.
Whenever I'm in doubt, sad, scared or troubled, I call my mother. I used to belittle my ex for being unable to make any form of life decision without consulting his parents (he's 26), and I don't expect mine to do that for me, ever. But recently, when I call, wanting to talk seriously, honestly and openly about what's bothering me, the words stick in my throat.
I think it's because I know that she isn't able to help. And that's not her fault. It's just that the one thing that comes with being an adult is having to confront your own fears, your own demons, alone. Maybe the words are sticking in my throat, caught on the tip of my tongue, because my supposedly adult voice just can't say them.
It's an awkward, lonely, inbetween time, this time, when we have to figure ourselves out. I'm not looking forward to it. I'm not happy, and I haven't really been for a while. It's nobody's fault, except the apathy's. I blame the dark evenings, the sad music and my own wretched hole of general uselessness, the fight gone out and the light gone out.
So excuse me while I drag myself up out of the doldrums and back into the wonderful world I worked to get into. I'll come back, when I find what I'm looking for.

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