1.1.12

New Year

Last night I saw in the New Year with my favourite person on Primrose Hill, joined by hundreds of others, to see the fireworks over Waterloo.
They were pretty spectacular, although slightly ruined by the drunks who decided to set their own fireworks off in the middle of a massive crowd. But managing to avoid the sparks, and the rain, we made it home unscathed to a glass of Prosecco and to reflect on our resolutions for 2012.
It was a weird, lonely Christmas - it's weird, as you grow up, when the family gets smaller, the older relatives get older and the kids start to realise that they are soon morphing into the generation that will be looking after its parents in the not-too-distant future.  I also turned 24 over the Christmas period. This year, I'll be 25. Even though it shouldn't, that age scares me. What am I expected to achieve by the time I'm 25, by the end of the big, potentially very expensive (bloody Olympics and house prices) but also potentially very exciting year?
A girl I used to be friends with via Twitter lost her fight with anorexia over the Christmas holidays. She was fun, cheery and vibrant, until she wasn't. Life is far too short to embrace anything but the good things that happen to you.Last year was a messy year. Bad things, and good things happened. I've been sadder than I have for a long time, and happier than I have ever been. Made foolish choices. Hurt people and myself. Got a job, then another job. Learned a lot. Been through testing times that have made me stronger. Worked hard. And I finally feel like, this time, it might come together. I start a new job in a few days, that I'm really excited about and that will give me another good challenge to rise to. The important thing is to keep challenging yourself. And I've got a guy who makes me laugh, galvanises me, reminds me to relax, not worry and have fun, and who makes me feel loved.
I've got plenty of resolutions, but the one that best relates here is generally be more creative. A large part of my unhappiness at the end of last year was total loss of creativity - no outlet, nothing really creative in my life. But I have a plan, I have a Kindle, and I plan to expose myself to more creativity, be it music, art, film or literature, and share it with you here. When I didn't have a job, and was working every day I could, every single second was precious, to be enjoyed, and to have something done with. Now, with free time, time becomes, for me, slightly less valuable. More about waiting for the next excitement than going out looking for it. It was when I didn't know how long the thrill was going to last that I made damned sure I didn't sleep through the end. Maybe now, that I'm responsible, grown up and with control of my own destiny, that I feel like I don't need to live in that kind of terror any more. But really, if I've worked hard for what I got, it should be now that I stop panicking that it'll end, and savour it all the more because it won't.

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